Still Standing
by Akanesi
Summary: Ten/Rose fic. Really angsty and shows how many chances the Doctor had to tell Rose how he felt and how he didn't use a single one of them. Reviews returned.


_Wish you here tonight with me to see the northern lights  
I wish you were here tonight with me_

The lights upon the night sky light up the world of darkness that he had fallen into. His eyes reflecting the colour changing glow, only as his heart sought the colourless cracks in the great surface. He found the inadequacies, the faults and the breaks in the great structures, shimmering, hiding stars and worlds from view, convincing him he was truly alone. And she would have loved to see them.

_  
I wish I could have you by my side tonight when the sky is burning  
I wish I could have you by my side  
_

He missed her smile so much. The way her eyes would shine, the way her hair would bounce on her shoulders as she ran, laughing, from yet another danger, yet another enemy, yet another foe. She was so bright, so alive; a new source of light in the universe other then a burning sky and flaming ships. Another source of hope other than an escape or a quick death. Another star to guide him. Yet another love in his life that he would lose.

_  
Cause I've been down and I've been crawling  
Won't back down no more  
_

He had been broken and shattered, ripped on the floor and not helped up. He had been torn in two. He had found the strength to move through the pain of the war only for her, because of her. Without his special girl all the pain, the remorse, the regret came crashing down, shrouding his world in a haze of red and burning and death. Everywhere he looked he could see people screaming, crying out for help. But he couldn't save them. His strength was gone.

_  
Can't you stop the lies, falling from the skies  
Down on me, I'm still standing_

He had never told her how he truly felt. Never explained or even showed his feelings. He was happy to hold her hand and smile but beyond that he didn't know what to do. He knew that he would only hurt her and therefore withdrew. He couldn't and wouldn't hurt her. But it was too late now. She was gone. Everyone was gone. It all went to dust.

_  
Can't you roll the dice, I might be surprised  
Conscience clear, I'm still standing here  
_

He had wished time and time again that she would bring up their relationship but she was a nineteen year old girl and he a nine hundred year old alien. That was what he told himself when she was there. But when she had left him, through no fault of her own, forever, he found that deep inside of him he knew that he had been avoiding the subject and that he had lost so much already, he just had to lose a little bit more.

_Burns like a thousand stars, though you are light years away  
Burns like a thousand stars or more_

His pain is still fresh and raw after all these years. It still beats at the heart of him, rupturing new paths in his soul and etching its waives across his face. He can still feel her, just as he could through that wall, though he knew there was nothing on the other side. But he can feel her. Her pain, her joy, her sorrow, her tears. He feels every emotion she feels. And it burns.

_  
You're up there; you're always with me  
Smiling down on me  
_

He feels as if she's watching over him, never stopping, never speaking, and never interfering. Just being there, a solid presence in the back of his mind, day or night, reassuring him, helping him through the worst times, guiding him, being his guardian angel.

_  
Can't you stop the lies, falling from the skies  
Down on me, I'm still standing_

If she had asked how he felt about her, he probably would have denied loving her. Denied it with all his being because he was so scared, so scared of being hurt, so scared of being close to someone and so scared that she would die if he went with her. He was scared that everything would go wrong if he broke the rule: never go with a companion, never fraternise, never injure, never hurt and never love. That was the Time Lord's curse.

_  
Can't you roll the dice; I might be surprised  
Conscience clear, I'm still standing here  
_

But she would never have asked him. It was only in the those moments when she didn't know or didn't think he could hear her that she would speak out. When he was lying there, in bed, in her mum's flat. When she thought he was dieing she said two things. The first had not really been words, but lack of to Mickey's spoken question:

"You love him don't you?"

She didn't answer, only cried.

The second was when she asked him for help. She put all her feelings, all her life and all her power into those few whispered words:

"Help me!"

_  
It's something sacred,  
__Something so beautiful_

She was something that never should be touched, never sullied, never ruined. She should remain perfect for ever, swirling in moonlight and chance of a meeting. He knew that and he didn't ruin the wish. She was perfect and she would remain that way. He loved her yes, but she was human and she would die.

_  
Something quiet to ease my mind  
__When the pressure's taking me over and over  
_

She was always there when he needed her. She always said and did the right things, no matter what the consequences were. She were strong. A light when there were no others. A voice when all else had been beaten into a silence. A laugh when happiness had been banished. A face among millions, yet always different. A woman that fought back and won. She was his perfect companion. A little piece of home.

_  
Cause I've been down and I've been crawling  
Pushed around and always falling_

He wanted so many times to talk to her about his own past. Too just tell her little things about his past. Names, places, dates. Small bits of him that she could carry. But the pain was too raw, too fresh from losing that when ever he tried he found that he couldn't. But now when he's finally ready to get over what he lost and tell her, he finds that he's lost her. The perfect irony.

_  
You're up there; you're always with me  
Smiling down on me  
_

He can never again tell her something to make her laugh, something to make her frown, something to make her run. He can never again tell and show her the great wonders of the universe. No longer hold her hand and show her the pathways to what lies beyond her world. He's no longer her protector and friend. Someone else is. But he doesn't know who. Because it's not him.

_  
Can't you stop the lies, falling from the skies  
Down on me, I'm still standing  
Can't you roll the dice, I might be surprised  
Conscience clear, I'm still standing here_

This is the cruellest fate a person can live: to know that their loved one is out there, somewhere but be unable to reach them. No, not unreachable or untouchable. Just far, far away. Too far to reach without someone telling the truth.

_  
Can't you stop the lies, falling from the skies  
Down on me, I'm still standing here  
Can't you roll the dice, I might be surprised  
Conscience clear, I'm still standing here_

The cruellest fate: To know that he could have reached her. That he could still reach her. But to tear apart the universe to be with her once more would deny everything he is, everything he fought to be and would kill billions of innocent people. He's not that far gone yet. But he's getting there. He's already returned to the place where he last saw her once or twice in the knowledge that Rose Tyler is, literally, standing on the other side of the wall.

It's just that bit too far.


End file.
